I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now

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Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.


Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.


migraine |my-grain|
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field


Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies


“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.


Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits


Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”


I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.


Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.