@StewieTea2

I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now

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@MyHairyLife

Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.

@WhatsHerFace33

Friend – You smell nice, what’s that perfume you’re wearing?
Me – Fear and fabric softener.

@buttnight

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

@Quartzjixler

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

@Tmoney68

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

@pleatedjeans

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

@withanewname

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

@aspaul

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

@CanadianBeave13

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.