Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs
But it’s all gone to shit now
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit