I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now

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Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week


Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words


Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.


My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.


Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once


Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.


If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.


Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.


I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.


Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit