I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed