Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
english majors be like furthermore
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.