@hero_ofthenight

I thought I was ready for the apocalypse until I saw how much food my son eats in a day and now I’m doomed.

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@samfromks

I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.

@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

@pizza_dragon

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

@RocketRankoon

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

@OctopusCaveman

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

@astutenewf

12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn’t Mary have a little lamb?

Me: And you came with a no return policy

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?