I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
I thought I was ready for the apocalypse until I saw how much food my son eats in a day and now I’m doomed.
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STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn’t Mary have a little lamb?
Me: And you came with a no return policy
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?