(by @ZachWeiner )
You Might Also Like
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I’m not stressed
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.