I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u