My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*