I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
NASA has no chill
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*