@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

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@SteveSuckington

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

@tastefactory

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

@ThisLocalHater

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

@meganamram

I can’t believe it’s 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross

@daddydoubts

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

@NewDadNotes

Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me

@bombsydoll

Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.