@pplwtching: As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@Dawn_M_: [making small talk at a party] Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that's why poor people look like shit?"

@dmc1138: Friend: “Any plans this weekend?” Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.” Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.” Me: “Nope.”

@aholealex: "Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha" yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting

@Godhatespants: I'd explain it to you again but I'm fresh out of crayons and puppets