I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
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Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Camping tip: No.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Sing it!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”