I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
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Print is alive and well!!!
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross
me: [hitting the space bar]
hot alien: hey
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Man sees the first Cat
Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.