@JamieGreenlees
@SteveSuckington
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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@SteveSuckington
@liamstack
Print is alive and well!!!
@tastefactory
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
@ThisLocalHater
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
@meganamram
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross
@tweetsbyrocket
me: [hitting the space bar]
hot alien: hey
@tinynietzsche
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
@daddydoubts
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
@NewDadNotes
Man sees the first Cat
Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
@bombsydoll
Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.