@TheBoydP: If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

@ThatDamnFireman: My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don't turn down cake.

@eddiesteadyno: Me: I think you might have schizophrenia Me: No I don't

@stevevsninjas: The big phone companies don't want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@KeetPotato: midwife: "congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he's exactly 7 pounds" me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] "i didn't bring any money"