I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you