@JimmerThatisAll

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

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@QuietPsycho

When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…

@WhrTheBrainRots

If I consider you a friend, I’ll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi – whatever you need to feel better.

@FilthyRichmond

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

@MissBee73

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.