I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
#SaturdayBears
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..