I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

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When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…


If I consider you a friend, I’ll be there for you. With an ear, a shoulder, a drill, a shovel, an alibi – whatever you need to feel better.


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.


People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.


You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.