@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong

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@Divergentmama

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

@trustedshoe

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

@zachreinert03

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

@chuuew

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

@linkindrinkin

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

@Rollinintheseat

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

@WetzelGeek

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

@PickleRudd

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes