Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I beg your pardon?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.