Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
this independent good boy don’t need no human
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
same vibe as tangled headphones
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.