Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?
Witness: that looks nothing like him
Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.
My doctor prescribed a med that has “weight loss” as a side effect……I’ve never wanted to overdose so much in my life!
medusa: look into my gaze
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.