I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

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Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.


Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?

Witness: that looks nothing like him

Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN


At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.


My doctor prescribed a med that has “weight loss” as a side effect……I’ve never wanted to overdose so much in my life!


medusa: look into my gaze


dwayne johnson: did it do anything?


[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed


The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.