I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”