I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!