My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there