I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
[literally anything happens]
GEOLOGISTS: ahh yes. because of the rocks
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.
Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: I’m gonna take a shower
Spider in my bathtub: nope
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.