I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.