I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

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“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*


[literally anything happens]
GEOLOGISTS: ahh yes. because of the rocks


Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.


Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope


There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.


[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized


CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.


I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.


Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.