Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

when someone rings the doorbell

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

😐

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.