I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
it was a valiant fight
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I beg your pardon?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.