Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*
M: Hm. That checks out.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
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Choose your fighter!
Me: We don’t have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I’m sad.
Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[being held back from my burning house by firemen]
get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE