@HaliPhacks

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

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@Tmoney68

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

@Playing_Dad

Me: We don’t have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I’m sad.
Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby

@donni

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

@lasergirl70

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

@doktorj

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

@kwirkyKerri

Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@FKACornshucks

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

@trojansauce

[being held back from my burning house by firemen]

get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE