me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
sigh
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!