I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
You Might Also Like
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Oh yeah that’s it
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.