I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
sleeping beauty
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
😂😂😂
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.