I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

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People who yawn with no volume control scare the shit out of me.


If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.


idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school


My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.


Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor

Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.


I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.


me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]


Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.


Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.