@LostFelicia

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

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@McClaneJohn2

People who yawn with no volume control scare the shit out of me.

@ashleyaustrew

If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.

@PaperWash

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school

@HomeWithPeanut

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

@_salt_n_lime

Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor

Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.

@teacup_giraffe

I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.

@handsock_butts

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@Sarcasticsapien

Beauty and the Beast is an introvert’s worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.