I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.


What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare


Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either


Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen
Biden: I didn’t want Trump to feel-
Obama: Joe,
Biden: …lonely


How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?


Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”


These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.



Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks


Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?