I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Customer is always right
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP