I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
You Might Also Like
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.