Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.
Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.