@elle91

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

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@mejustbeth

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

@jonnysun

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

@lasergirl70

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

@wickedsuga

I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]

@aparnapkin

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

@Stap_Jr

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

@TitansHomer

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.