I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*puts my mental health in rice
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.