@bambimygirl: I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
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@10kbabyspiders: While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.
@OtherDanOBrien: [Lady is being robbed] "Help, Social Media Man!" [Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
@JeffMyspace: My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.