@bambimygirl

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

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@david8hughes

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

@kevnasto

I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@IndecisiveJones

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

@ddsmidt

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

@briangaar

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies

@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@ladyignoble

Note to younger women:

Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.

Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.

@UnFitz

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.