@bambimygirl: I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
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@SpacePlankton: *watches movie* *sees a scene with full frontal male nudity* *pauses for three months*
@truegritrumble: ME: Sorry I was late. FRIEND: What happened? ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
@AmishPornStar1: I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.