You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
You Might Also Like
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
PLEASE READ
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.