[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
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All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.