I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava