I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.


So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.


Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.


That’s the most unappetizing cheeseburger I’ve ever seen


I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.


Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently


“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*


i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.


*buying a dog*

Is this a good dog?

“Oh yeah, very good dog.”

Do any tricks?

“No, I’m clean, selling dogs now.”