[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Nobody ever sneezes in movies.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!
You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?