@mutedclamor

I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁

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@FredTaming

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

@mrjohntofu

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

@fro_vo

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

@TattleTSister

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

@Be___Dope

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

@UnFitz

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

@FeralCrone

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

@juliussharpe

Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!

@thatUPSdude

You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?