Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.