I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Bro what is this
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My inexpensive home security system…
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do