@DadandBuried

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

- @DadandBuried

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@RealSugarFree

I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.

@stevevsninjas

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

@daemonic3

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

@PetrickSara

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

@Thee1_4U

Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.

@prncss_fifi

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@3Snowbee3

Got a new cat today. She gives me disapproving looks all the time. I named her Mom.