@DadandBuried

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

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@donni

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

@Marlebean

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

@Mostly_Cheese

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

@TheBoydP

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

@neiltyson

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

@doublewenis

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

@Kids_kubed

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective