me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job