I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

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Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*


I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.


{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?


*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.


The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it


I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.


Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.


Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.


When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.


I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.