@jshbck

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

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@JohnLyonTweets

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

@PaulFrei

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

@TigNotaro

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

@ThisOneSayz

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

@T_Bonezzz_

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

@wildethingy

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

@Staggfilms

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

@hazelmotes1

Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.

@jus4golf

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

@WilliamAder

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.