@NervousJr

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

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@daemonic3

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

@JennyPentland

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

@EndhooS

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

@ClichedOut

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

@0point5twins

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

@givemeyourbagel

@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.

Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”

Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”

@ddsmidt

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

@skedaddle74

I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!

@MidlifeOpportu1

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.