I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
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magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.