I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.