I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
You Might Also Like
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word