I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”