I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media