@bourgeoisalien

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

@BonaFideIntent

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

@wendchymes

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

@1seat_theater

Finally watched an episode of America’s Got Talent and I disagree.

@Dawn_M_

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

@theNuzzy

After my tweet conversation with you, I delete everything I wrote so you look like a crazy stalker.

@mydmac

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

@XOperfectmessXO

You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things

@TheAlexNevil

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

@videojames_

[having sex]

her: i want to be tied up

me: u have a jury summons in the mail

her: not like that

me: i made u a doctor’s appointment

her: stop

me: i told ur sister ur gonna help her move