I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

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Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today


Officer: “Do you know why I’m standing here?”
Me: “You got all C’s in High School?”


Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.


911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.


I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too


I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.


Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure


An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.


[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?