I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
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{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.