I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.