*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*


me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet


Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.


Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call


Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair


‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

– White people at Indian Buffets


me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t


[at a wake]

WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]

ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.