ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
What the dentist sees
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards