Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Meow?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays