@hardlyrelevant

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

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@WheelTod

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

@dlockw21

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

@AlishaRai

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

@subtweetopath

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

@FredTaming

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

@Fred_Delicious

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

@Jenny4ashley

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.