[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
#SuperBowl
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇