i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”