Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
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*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Love is always patient and kind.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.