A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE