Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
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*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I feel it
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
#SaturdayBears
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.